The First Visit

Hello all! It is 12:30am, and I have to be up in 5 hours. Why is it that we always find things to do or can't sleep when we have to be awake early in the morning? For me, my sleeplessness this evening is because my son is going on his first overnight visit with his father since we split up. I am a nervous wreck!!

I probably shouldn't be, as he stayed at home with his dad every day I went to work for the first 2 1/2 years of his life, and he's fine, but I'm scared to death! It's probably just a mom thing. I've gone over everything he could possibly need and have it all stuffed in a duffel bag. I've got a whole bunch of other stuff to go with us in the morning, plus I know when I'm halfway home after dropping him off I'll think of something else.

During our separation, and now being (almost) divorced (another 2 weeks), I've have tried very hard to keep my feelings about my ex just about he and me, and not about our son. I don't think I have done a very good job sometimes, but I have tried. I have a friend who has said that she thinks sometimes men use our children against us, and I can see that. I think we can use our children against our ex's too. What frustrates me the most is that, as far as I can see, our son is only important to his father when he remembers, or is mad at me. Obviously, I'm not in his head or his heart and I can't say that with 100% certainty, but I feel that it is relatively accurate. But the struggle remains, how do I deal with my feelings of hurt, anger, abandonment, unimportance, etc. that pertain to the ex and not have them include our son too. I think the problem comes because I am feeling things FOR my son, when I have no idea if he feels that way at all, or if he will ever feel that way.

For example, I feel as though my ex husband has decided to leave his family, and try to be 18 again, without any more responsibility than absolutely necessary. I feel abandoned, and I feel abandoned for my son. I don't know if that is how he feels, or if that is how he will feel in the future. If he doesn't feel that way, I certainly don't want him to think he should. I am processing everything through my own filters, and by doing so, I may be preventing him from making up his own mind. This is another time when I am so thankful that my son is only 3 and I have a little bit of time to deal with my own issues before he starts asking questions about what happened.

How do we separate our feelings about our ex's, or even our partners/spouses from our children? When we have an experience, like divorce, how do we not overemphasize the lessons that we learned to our children? How do we give them a well rounded idea of the important things to look for in a relationship?

I think the best thing I can do for now is to let him know that the way we are living now is normal. His normal. He lives with his mom, and sees his dad________. As soon as I know for sure I'll tell him. He is such a wonderful little boy, and I'm sure he will be fine. I, just like every other mother, want what's best for him. I want him to know always that he is loved, and special and wonderful just the way he is.

I would love to hear how you deal with issues like this. Divorce, separation, visitation, etc. I look forward to your comments.
Laura K.