I think we may have had a great day today! Only 3 time-outs all day. Of course, there are several ways in which today was better than yesterday.
1) We got all of the sleep we needed! Including a 3 hour nap.
2) We played outside for close to 2 hours all together. There was a lot less excess energy for him to burn.
3) It wasn't nearly as hot as it has been, or at least, it didn't feel like it.
I think my son is a child who needs structure and routine. I, however am feeling very ill equiped to give it to him. He has had roughly the same schedule since he was about 3 mos old and started sleeping all through the night. We get up around 9am, have breakfast and play. Naptime is at 2pm, or somewhere between 2 and 3 and he will sleep about two to three hours. I don't let him nap any later than 6pm. Then it's up, dinner, bathtime, play and in bed around 10pm. I know that's pretty late for a kid, but it's always worked for us, especially since I worked afternoons and evenings. Before we moved I could put him down for his nap before I left for work and then I would give him his bath and put him to bed when I got home. That doesn't seem like it's going to be working too well for us now. I will be needing to take him to one of his grandparents on my way to work, or possibly daycare right at naptime. I'm not sure how to come up with a routine that I can stick to, so that his life will be better.
The truth is that his routine works really well for me too, being the night owl that I am. Even if I go to bed at 1am, he will still sleep until 9am, which means I still get my 8 hours. And nap time and after bed time are when I get the things done that I need to do. Those times will become even more sacred when I start school in August. I still haven't figured out how single mom's do it, and I'm not even really a single mom with all of the help that I have. I don't think I can even put myself in league with those wonder-women who manage to do everything by themselves. Honestly, I feel right now like I have no hope for getting there.
So, single mom's of this world, how do you do it? How do you take care of your children and yourselves and not loose your minds? Please let me know!
Laura K.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Entering the "Mine" field
Well, the first visit to Dad's house went well. We all survived intact and I found some things to do to occupy my time without my little one. Unfortunately, none of those things were at all productive! I can see that there is definitely going to be a few days of transition time needed when my son comes back from his dad's house, although I have a feeling that is to be expected with any situation like that, whether he was visiting his father or his grandparents for a few days. What I have also discovered, however, is that my son now knows what "mine" is.
Up until just a few days ago, he has been a rather placid kid. I mean, he has energy coming out of his ears like any other toddler, but he's been pretty low key. Now just this week he has started using the word "mine" all the time. Everything is his and he won't take "No" for an answer. If he asks for something and I tell him "No", he simply asks louder. And louder and louder. I'm not entirely sure what to do about this behavior. Part of me thinks I should ignore it, and eventually he will learn not to do it because it doesn't get a reaction. That just doesn't feel right to me though. If you don't want a behavior to continue, you should nip it in the bud.
So today, we did time out. My son started acting up at dinner, as soon as I sat down at the table. He had been doing just fine, eating and drinking very nicely. Then as soon as I sat down he started hitting the table, throwing his cup, throwing food and being slightly awful. Now, I know that that's supposed to be a good sign, that he's comfortable doing that because he loves and trusts me, but I could live without it. So, I told him that if he didn't stop that behavior he was going to have a time out. And he hit the table again, so I picked him up and brought him to time out. I shut the door to the room part way and set the timer for 3 minutes, one minute for every year he is old. When the timer went off I went in and checked on him and asked him if he was ready to come out. He said "No come out. Sleep." Ok, great. But as I was leaving he began hitting his bed, so I set the timer for another 3 minutes and we did it again. When I checked on him again it was the same thing. "No come out. Sleep." So I left him in his bed for about 10 minutes, until I heard him saying "All done!"
When I went back to get him he asked for a piece of "green gum". Normally gum isn't an issue, but it was dinner time and he had already had several pieces of gum today so I told him no. He asked several more times, getting progressively louder and louder. I told him each time that he could not have green gum right now, keeping my voice calm and quiet. Finally I told him he could not have any green gum and if he yelled again his time out would continue. "GREEN GUUUUUUUM!!!!!" So, I turned around and walked out of the room and again set the timer for 3 minutes.
This did seem to work and green gum wasn't an issue for the rest of the night. Then the "mine"'s started. Everything on the table was "mine". He would take things without asking and run away with them, and when we would try to tell him who it did belong to it was "No mama's. Mine." I swear, I want to pull out my hair. There is no logic for a 3 year old. And the worst part is, you can watch him and know when he's testing you. You can see it on his face, and watch the wheels turn in his head. It is immensely frustrating, because he's 3, and he's learning, and he's doing exactly what all children at his age do, I am just sometimes at a loss as to how I can cope with it.
If anyone has any fabulous ideas about how to deal with the "mine" phase, or this testing phase in general, please let me know!!
I am currently reading a book called "How to make your children mind without losing yours" and I am hoping for a little salvation!
Laura K.
Up until just a few days ago, he has been a rather placid kid. I mean, he has energy coming out of his ears like any other toddler, but he's been pretty low key. Now just this week he has started using the word "mine" all the time. Everything is his and he won't take "No" for an answer. If he asks for something and I tell him "No", he simply asks louder. And louder and louder. I'm not entirely sure what to do about this behavior. Part of me thinks I should ignore it, and eventually he will learn not to do it because it doesn't get a reaction. That just doesn't feel right to me though. If you don't want a behavior to continue, you should nip it in the bud.
So today, we did time out. My son started acting up at dinner, as soon as I sat down at the table. He had been doing just fine, eating and drinking very nicely. Then as soon as I sat down he started hitting the table, throwing his cup, throwing food and being slightly awful. Now, I know that that's supposed to be a good sign, that he's comfortable doing that because he loves and trusts me, but I could live without it. So, I told him that if he didn't stop that behavior he was going to have a time out. And he hit the table again, so I picked him up and brought him to time out. I shut the door to the room part way and set the timer for 3 minutes, one minute for every year he is old. When the timer went off I went in and checked on him and asked him if he was ready to come out. He said "No come out. Sleep." Ok, great. But as I was leaving he began hitting his bed, so I set the timer for another 3 minutes and we did it again. When I checked on him again it was the same thing. "No come out. Sleep." So I left him in his bed for about 10 minutes, until I heard him saying "All done!"
When I went back to get him he asked for a piece of "green gum". Normally gum isn't an issue, but it was dinner time and he had already had several pieces of gum today so I told him no. He asked several more times, getting progressively louder and louder. I told him each time that he could not have green gum right now, keeping my voice calm and quiet. Finally I told him he could not have any green gum and if he yelled again his time out would continue. "GREEN GUUUUUUUM!!!!!" So, I turned around and walked out of the room and again set the timer for 3 minutes.
This did seem to work and green gum wasn't an issue for the rest of the night. Then the "mine"'s started. Everything on the table was "mine". He would take things without asking and run away with them, and when we would try to tell him who it did belong to it was "No mama's. Mine." I swear, I want to pull out my hair. There is no logic for a 3 year old. And the worst part is, you can watch him and know when he's testing you. You can see it on his face, and watch the wheels turn in his head. It is immensely frustrating, because he's 3, and he's learning, and he's doing exactly what all children at his age do, I am just sometimes at a loss as to how I can cope with it.
If anyone has any fabulous ideas about how to deal with the "mine" phase, or this testing phase in general, please let me know!!
I am currently reading a book called "How to make your children mind without losing yours" and I am hoping for a little salvation!
Laura K.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The First Visit
Hello all! It is 12:30am, and I have to be up in 5 hours. Why is it that we always find things to do or can't sleep when we have to be awake early in the morning? For me, my sleeplessness this evening is because my son is going on his first overnight visit with his father since we split up. I am a nervous wreck!!
I probably shouldn't be, as he stayed at home with his dad every day I went to work for the first 2 1/2 years of his life, and he's fine, but I'm scared to death! It's probably just a mom thing. I've gone over everything he could possibly need and have it all stuffed in a duffel bag. I've got a whole bunch of other stuff to go with us in the morning, plus I know when I'm halfway home after dropping him off I'll think of something else.
During our separation, and now being (almost) divorced (another 2 weeks), I've have tried very hard to keep my feelings about my ex just about he and me, and not about our son. I don't think I have done a very good job sometimes, but I have tried. I have a friend who has said that she thinks sometimes men use our children against us, and I can see that. I think we can use our children against our ex's too. What frustrates me the most is that, as far as I can see, our son is only important to his father when he remembers, or is mad at me. Obviously, I'm not in his head or his heart and I can't say that with 100% certainty, but I feel that it is relatively accurate. But the struggle remains, how do I deal with my feelings of hurt, anger, abandonment, unimportance, etc. that pertain to the ex and not have them include our son too. I think the problem comes because I am feeling things FOR my son, when I have no idea if he feels that way at all, or if he will ever feel that way.
For example, I feel as though my ex husband has decided to leave his family, and try to be 18 again, without any more responsibility than absolutely necessary. I feel abandoned, and I feel abandoned for my son. I don't know if that is how he feels, or if that is how he will feel in the future. If he doesn't feel that way, I certainly don't want him to think he should. I am processing everything through my own filters, and by doing so, I may be preventing him from making up his own mind. This is another time when I am so thankful that my son is only 3 and I have a little bit of time to deal with my own issues before he starts asking questions about what happened.
How do we separate our feelings about our ex's, or even our partners/spouses from our children? When we have an experience, like divorce, how do we not overemphasize the lessons that we learned to our children? How do we give them a well rounded idea of the important things to look for in a relationship?
I think the best thing I can do for now is to let him know that the way we are living now is normal. His normal. He lives with his mom, and sees his dad________. As soon as I know for sure I'll tell him. He is such a wonderful little boy, and I'm sure he will be fine. I, just like every other mother, want what's best for him. I want him to know always that he is loved, and special and wonderful just the way he is.
I would love to hear how you deal with issues like this. Divorce, separation, visitation, etc. I look forward to your comments.
Laura K.
I probably shouldn't be, as he stayed at home with his dad every day I went to work for the first 2 1/2 years of his life, and he's fine, but I'm scared to death! It's probably just a mom thing. I've gone over everything he could possibly need and have it all stuffed in a duffel bag. I've got a whole bunch of other stuff to go with us in the morning, plus I know when I'm halfway home after dropping him off I'll think of something else.
During our separation, and now being (almost) divorced (another 2 weeks), I've have tried very hard to keep my feelings about my ex just about he and me, and not about our son. I don't think I have done a very good job sometimes, but I have tried. I have a friend who has said that she thinks sometimes men use our children against us, and I can see that. I think we can use our children against our ex's too. What frustrates me the most is that, as far as I can see, our son is only important to his father when he remembers, or is mad at me. Obviously, I'm not in his head or his heart and I can't say that with 100% certainty, but I feel that it is relatively accurate. But the struggle remains, how do I deal with my feelings of hurt, anger, abandonment, unimportance, etc. that pertain to the ex and not have them include our son too. I think the problem comes because I am feeling things FOR my son, when I have no idea if he feels that way at all, or if he will ever feel that way.
For example, I feel as though my ex husband has decided to leave his family, and try to be 18 again, without any more responsibility than absolutely necessary. I feel abandoned, and I feel abandoned for my son. I don't know if that is how he feels, or if that is how he will feel in the future. If he doesn't feel that way, I certainly don't want him to think he should. I am processing everything through my own filters, and by doing so, I may be preventing him from making up his own mind. This is another time when I am so thankful that my son is only 3 and I have a little bit of time to deal with my own issues before he starts asking questions about what happened.
How do we separate our feelings about our ex's, or even our partners/spouses from our children? When we have an experience, like divorce, how do we not overemphasize the lessons that we learned to our children? How do we give them a well rounded idea of the important things to look for in a relationship?
I think the best thing I can do for now is to let him know that the way we are living now is normal. His normal. He lives with his mom, and sees his dad________. As soon as I know for sure I'll tell him. He is such a wonderful little boy, and I'm sure he will be fine. I, just like every other mother, want what's best for him. I want him to know always that he is loved, and special and wonderful just the way he is.
I would love to hear how you deal with issues like this. Divorce, separation, visitation, etc. I look forward to your comments.
Laura K.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
The good and evils of Facebook
Hello all! When I sit down at my computer, I tend to have a routine. I log on and check my hotmail, gmail and then Facebook. I love Facebook, because it's a great way to keep in touch with my friends. I live in a rural community where just about everyone I know is at least 5 miles away, if not more. With that in mind, what's not to love about Facebook? Everyone I know all in one place and in the time it would take me to drive to one friend's home, I can say hi or happy birthday or cute picture of your daughter, and save gas money!
The problem comes when you are tempted to "Facebook Stalk". My ex husband has a Facebook account, and some days I find it very hard to stay away from his page. While we were attempting to work things out, we were Facebook friends. After we made the final decision to go through with the divorce, I decided that it wasn't a good idea to stay online friends so I removed him. I didn't think I would really be able to get closure on our situation if I could see what he was up to all the time.
So, today I'm exercising every bit of willpower I have to not look. It's almost like when you have a black and blue mark that hurts every time you touch it, yet you keep touching it. When I see pictures of him with his friends, or see that he has gone out (without calling his son, yet again) it hurts my heart. It is definitely better than it was, but still frustrating.
How are we supposed to find peace and closure for situations like these in this digital, point and click age? And with people having Facebook and MySpace and even blogs like this, how do we learn and respect boundaries and privacy? And how to we make sure to teach our children these lessons? How do we pass on respect for other people when you can go online and find out every one's dirty little secrets? And with that in mind, how to we help our children understand the vastness and permanency of placing something on the Internet? That is a very abstract concept, and I know I would hate to see my son having fun with his friends, take some photos, have them show up on the Internet and then have them used for who-knows-what later. I feel fortunate that my son is only 3 and so I can postpone that prospect for a little while.
For those of you who are interested, I've found some really great articles on Facebook etiquette, both personally and professionally. I look forward to some great discussion on this topic!
Laura K.
http://minnesota.publicradio.org/display/web/2009/01/14/facebook/ Here are some guidelines for Facebook in the professional realm
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/terms.php?ref=pf This is Facebook's actual statement of user's rights and responsibilities.
http://www.yourtango.com/20099081/top-10-etiquette-rules-for-facebook I really liked this article about Facebook in your personal life, especially with regards to relationships. It's good information with some fun sarcasm added to it!
The problem comes when you are tempted to "Facebook Stalk". My ex husband has a Facebook account, and some days I find it very hard to stay away from his page. While we were attempting to work things out, we were Facebook friends. After we made the final decision to go through with the divorce, I decided that it wasn't a good idea to stay online friends so I removed him. I didn't think I would really be able to get closure on our situation if I could see what he was up to all the time.
So, today I'm exercising every bit of willpower I have to not look. It's almost like when you have a black and blue mark that hurts every time you touch it, yet you keep touching it. When I see pictures of him with his friends, or see that he has gone out (without calling his son, yet again) it hurts my heart. It is definitely better than it was, but still frustrating.
How are we supposed to find peace and closure for situations like these in this digital, point and click age? And with people having Facebook and MySpace and even blogs like this, how do we learn and respect boundaries and privacy? And how to we make sure to teach our children these lessons? How do we pass on respect for other people when you can go online and find out every one's dirty little secrets? And with that in mind, how to we help our children understand the vastness and permanency of placing something on the Internet? That is a very abstract concept, and I know I would hate to see my son having fun with his friends, take some photos, have them show up on the Internet and then have them used for who-knows-what later. I feel fortunate that my son is only 3 and so I can postpone that prospect for a little while.
For those of you who are interested, I've found some really great articles on Facebook etiquette, both personally and professionally. I look forward to some great discussion on this topic!
Laura K.
http://minnesota.publicradio.org/display/web/2009/01/14/facebook/ Here are some guidelines for Facebook in the professional realm
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/terms.php?ref=pf This is Facebook's actual statement of user's rights and responsibilities.
http://www.yourtango.com/20099081/top-10-etiquette-rules-for-facebook I really liked this article about Facebook in your personal life, especially with regards to relationships. It's good information with some fun sarcasm added to it!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Welcome
Hello to all of the moms out there! Welcome to One Mom's Blog. This blog will be where I share with you all the the in's and out's of being the divorced mother of a 3 year old son.
My hope for this blog will be to share some of the things I do to be a good mom to my son, and create a community for other mom's to get together and talk and share about things going on in their lives.
Occasionally I will be trying and reviewing products, as well as relevant books. For example, right now I am potty training my son. I have been to so many sites I have lost count. Our selection of potty training paraphenalia is growing larger and larger. I hope to give you an honest opinion of the things we have and the techniques we have tried, and eventually (I hope) let you know how we found the road to potty success!
If there are any products that you are curious about that you would like me to try, or just to do some research on, I welcome all suggestions. My goal is to be here for you, and maybe do some of the dirty work of sorting through all of the things that are out there for mom's these days.
In the future, I hope to become a trusted friend for all of you and I look forward to this journey called motherhood.
My hope for this blog will be to share some of the things I do to be a good mom to my son, and create a community for other mom's to get together and talk and share about things going on in their lives.
Occasionally I will be trying and reviewing products, as well as relevant books. For example, right now I am potty training my son. I have been to so many sites I have lost count. Our selection of potty training paraphenalia is growing larger and larger. I hope to give you an honest opinion of the things we have and the techniques we have tried, and eventually (I hope) let you know how we found the road to potty success!
If there are any products that you are curious about that you would like me to try, or just to do some research on, I welcome all suggestions. My goal is to be here for you, and maybe do some of the dirty work of sorting through all of the things that are out there for mom's these days.
In the future, I hope to become a trusted friend for all of you and I look forward to this journey called motherhood.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
