Core Values

As a society today, and most especially, I think, the younger generations we are pretty smug. We have the best technology, the best medicine, the best cities, the best companies to work for. We are living in a time when medical and technological advances come at an almost alarming rate. Things that were foreign and scary when I was born (i.e. the computer) are so commonplace today that people can't imagine living without them. And I think that this progress can be a good thing, because it can help us to continually discover things outside of ourselves, and remain open to having new experiences and learning new things. However, in our rush to progress and to do better and be faster and succeed more, we have lost sight of some very important societal values. Honesty and the ability to think of others.

I feel like I have come to discover over these last few months that honesty is a lost art. No one is truly honest, except our children, and God bless them for it. We have become so soft, and so insulated from real pain that we cannot handle true honesty, even when it's better for us. We have forgotten how to deal with pain, and so we cannot risk exposing ourselves to it in any way.

The funny thing is that honesty is really so easy. Often the honest thing to say is short, sweet and to the point. Yes, it upsets me when you do that. No, I don't want to go out with you. Yes, I do have a girlfriend/boyfriend. Those are all very simple things to say and understand, yet we just don't do it anymore. I think because we no longer live with pain, we don't consider the effect our dishonesty may have on others. I have recently found myself in a situation where I was behaving a certain way based on the information I had about a situation. I have since come to find out that the situation was not how I believed it to be, and so my I now feel that my behavior is inexcusable and completely inappropriate. I fully acknowledge my actions, and if I ever were to be confronted about it, I would have no problem admitting that I did what I did. However, had the other person involved told me the truth, I would not find myself in this place. He did not consider how his dishonesty would make me feel, nor did he think about the consequences of his behavior.

This leads me to the other core value that I believe we have lost. Selflessness. Now I know that most women would disagree with me, but I am talking about society as a whole. We are very selfish. And I think that again comes from being insulated from pain. It hurts to not be selfish. Today, we think we need to do whatever makes us feel good, even when it is not the right decision or the best one for our families. Now here is where I think all of the mom's need to pay attention. There is a difference between self-care and selfishness. If you have been at home all day with your children and you have a pounding headache that hasn't gone away and you just want 30 minutes of quiet time by yourself when your husband (or whatever significant other your have) gets home, that is not selfish. If, however, you deal with your bad day by getting drunk while your children are still awake and then you call them names to ease your frustration and because your inhibitions have been lowered by alcohol, that is selfish. It may feel good at the time, but it is not the right thing to do, and, cumulatively, will cause untold amounts of damage to your children.

We make choices in life, and they are not always good, or right, or right for us, but we need to be responsible for what happens afterwards. Take the case of the husband who is now divorced from his wife. He has just received paperwork to fill out for child support. He believes that he will have to pay for his child's insurance and knows that if that is true he will not be able to afford to continue living the way he has. So he calls his ex-wife and says, if I can't afford to make these payments, you have to cancel our child's insurance. Of course, that really isn't an option. The child does not suffer for the adults choices. The fact that the parents are divorced, in my opinion, means that the child is suffereing enough.

Please don't take that to mean that I think people who are divorced are bad. I am divorced. It happens and it sucks, and a lot of times there just isn't anything you could have done differently to change the situation.

My point, however, is that is a selfish position for that father to have. Or any parent who would say that, not just men. Just as a woman, or any parent, who brings endless people into their child's life to temporarily satisfy a place in themselves is selfish. Children need consistency, and strength from their parents. Parents need to be the example, and believe me, I know how easy it is to rationalize to yourself so that it doesn't seem like your behavior could be harmful to your child.

So what is the solution? Alas, I don't know if there is one. I do know, however, what I think. I think that we need to learn to live with pain. Yes, it hurts, and it's not fun. But suck it up. I don't mean show no emotion, but learn to deal with the emotions. Learn to deal with the hurt and the pain. Learn that some days, all you can do is breathe and get to tomorow.

We need to be honest, not only with each other, but with ourselves. Be honest when you think about your own behavior. Is it really the right thing to do? Are you trying to rationalize your behavior to quiet your conscious? Be honest with your partner. Yes, that makes me upset. Please stay home tonight and spend time with me. (That one is for all you women, and men, who play the cliched game of "I'll tell him/her that he/she can go out, but then I'll be mad at him/her for not reading my mind." Stop it. It's not fair.)

And please, let us teach our children about these things. Teach them to be honest, yet tactful. Teach them to not be selfish. And let the real world teach them about pain, but be there to teach them how to handle it. Be there to love them while they learn.

And please, don't be so selfish that you damage your children. They didn't choose to be born to you, they were given to us as precious gifts to be treasured and taken care of. Don't ruin them just so that you can indulge yourself.

Laura K.