I know we've all been out in public somewhere with our families and across the restaurant or a few aisles over in the store we hear some other child screaming and crying or yelling and throwing a tantrum. Usually when I am out with my son and I hear or see something like this I glance upward and thank God for my wonderfully well behaved little boy. I also either have a bit of pity or, I'll be honest, a feeling of disdain for the other mother whose child is having issues. Usually you can just avoid these people by finishing your meal or moving to another part of the store. What happens, however, when you can't avoid them and they interfere with what you are doing? And worst of all, when the parent of the misbehaving child doesn't even care?
My son and I went shoe shopping for him the other day. We walked into the store and went to his section. We had to pass another woman and her two children. The younger of those two children immediately grabbed onto our stroller and started walking with us, and then proceeded to kick our stroller a few times. His mother, completely preoccupied with the other child, merely said "Honey where are you?" and didn't even glance up to see what was going on. We didn't pay the child much mind and went about our business getting feet measured, picking out shoes, etc. He came in our general direction a few times, but did not bother us much.
He and his mother and brother left the store and we finished our search for shoes and were waiting in line to pay for them when they came back. Once again, the little boy came over to my son and was inches from his face. My son took it in stride and just began talking to the other boy. My son has some speech issues and so it was a little difficult to understand what he was saying. The other boy simply looked at him and said "You're a weirdo". He said this a few more times as my son continued to try to talk to him. He then kicked our stroller again and ran into the store saying "I kicked your stroller" over and over. His mother, once again still engulfed in what the other child was doing, didn't even look up or bother to call out for her son to see where he was.
This other little boy then preceded to take items off of shelves and fling them around the store and at other people, mostly my son. He then tried to force my son to take a scarf that he had in his hand. At this point I had finally had my fill of this child and said "Excuse me, but you need to go see your mother". He merely looked at me and walked away saying "You're not my boss".
Again, this other woman didn't see or hear any of this. Not once did she look up to see what her son was doing.
So how do you deal with people like that? And how do I give my son the tools to deal with other children like this? He will be four in about two months and my heart has never broken faster than when that child called my son a weirdo. I'm sure part of me is just over protective, but I just thought that the whole situation was just ridiculous! How do we teach our children to stand up for themselves with dignity without getting sucked into a fight of some sort. And how do we teach mothers that they need to be responsible for their children in public. Aside from the fact that that little boy was being a menace, he could have been taken out of that store by someone and that mother would have never known the difference until it was too late. We all need to be responsible for our children and teach them manners and respect.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Monday, August 10, 2009
Core Values
As a society today, and most especially, I think, the younger generations we are pretty smug. We have the best technology, the best medicine, the best cities, the best companies to work for. We are living in a time when medical and technological advances come at an almost alarming rate. Things that were foreign and scary when I was born (i.e. the computer) are so commonplace today that people can't imagine living without them. And I think that this progress can be a good thing, because it can help us to continually discover things outside of ourselves, and remain open to having new experiences and learning new things. However, in our rush to progress and to do better and be faster and succeed more, we have lost sight of some very important societal values. Honesty and the ability to think of others.
I feel like I have come to discover over these last few months that honesty is a lost art. No one is truly honest, except our children, and God bless them for it. We have become so soft, and so insulated from real pain that we cannot handle true honesty, even when it's better for us. We have forgotten how to deal with pain, and so we cannot risk exposing ourselves to it in any way.
The funny thing is that honesty is really so easy. Often the honest thing to say is short, sweet and to the point. Yes, it upsets me when you do that. No, I don't want to go out with you. Yes, I do have a girlfriend/boyfriend. Those are all very simple things to say and understand, yet we just don't do it anymore. I think because we no longer live with pain, we don't consider the effect our dishonesty may have on others. I have recently found myself in a situation where I was behaving a certain way based on the information I had about a situation. I have since come to find out that the situation was not how I believed it to be, and so my I now feel that my behavior is inexcusable and completely inappropriate. I fully acknowledge my actions, and if I ever were to be confronted about it, I would have no problem admitting that I did what I did. However, had the other person involved told me the truth, I would not find myself in this place. He did not consider how his dishonesty would make me feel, nor did he think about the consequences of his behavior.
This leads me to the other core value that I believe we have lost. Selflessness. Now I know that most women would disagree with me, but I am talking about society as a whole. We are very selfish. And I think that again comes from being insulated from pain. It hurts to not be selfish. Today, we think we need to do whatever makes us feel good, even when it is not the right decision or the best one for our families. Now here is where I think all of the mom's need to pay attention. There is a difference between self-care and selfishness. If you have been at home all day with your children and you have a pounding headache that hasn't gone away and you just want 30 minutes of quiet time by yourself when your husband (or whatever significant other your have) gets home, that is not selfish. If, however, you deal with your bad day by getting drunk while your children are still awake and then you call them names to ease your frustration and because your inhibitions have been lowered by alcohol, that is selfish. It may feel good at the time, but it is not the right thing to do, and, cumulatively, will cause untold amounts of damage to your children.
We make choices in life, and they are not always good, or right, or right for us, but we need to be responsible for what happens afterwards. Take the case of the husband who is now divorced from his wife. He has just received paperwork to fill out for child support. He believes that he will have to pay for his child's insurance and knows that if that is true he will not be able to afford to continue living the way he has. So he calls his ex-wife and says, if I can't afford to make these payments, you have to cancel our child's insurance. Of course, that really isn't an option. The child does not suffer for the adults choices. The fact that the parents are divorced, in my opinion, means that the child is suffereing enough.
Please don't take that to mean that I think people who are divorced are bad. I am divorced. It happens and it sucks, and a lot of times there just isn't anything you could have done differently to change the situation.
My point, however, is that is a selfish position for that father to have. Or any parent who would say that, not just men. Just as a woman, or any parent, who brings endless people into their child's life to temporarily satisfy a place in themselves is selfish. Children need consistency, and strength from their parents. Parents need to be the example, and believe me, I know how easy it is to rationalize to yourself so that it doesn't seem like your behavior could be harmful to your child.
So what is the solution? Alas, I don't know if there is one. I do know, however, what I think. I think that we need to learn to live with pain. Yes, it hurts, and it's not fun. But suck it up. I don't mean show no emotion, but learn to deal with the emotions. Learn to deal with the hurt and the pain. Learn that some days, all you can do is breathe and get to tomorow.
We need to be honest, not only with each other, but with ourselves. Be honest when you think about your own behavior. Is it really the right thing to do? Are you trying to rationalize your behavior to quiet your conscious? Be honest with your partner. Yes, that makes me upset. Please stay home tonight and spend time with me. (That one is for all you women, and men, who play the cliched game of "I'll tell him/her that he/she can go out, but then I'll be mad at him/her for not reading my mind." Stop it. It's not fair.)
And please, let us teach our children about these things. Teach them to be honest, yet tactful. Teach them to not be selfish. And let the real world teach them about pain, but be there to teach them how to handle it. Be there to love them while they learn.
And please, don't be so selfish that you damage your children. They didn't choose to be born to you, they were given to us as precious gifts to be treasured and taken care of. Don't ruin them just so that you can indulge yourself.
Laura K.
I feel like I have come to discover over these last few months that honesty is a lost art. No one is truly honest, except our children, and God bless them for it. We have become so soft, and so insulated from real pain that we cannot handle true honesty, even when it's better for us. We have forgotten how to deal with pain, and so we cannot risk exposing ourselves to it in any way.
The funny thing is that honesty is really so easy. Often the honest thing to say is short, sweet and to the point. Yes, it upsets me when you do that. No, I don't want to go out with you. Yes, I do have a girlfriend/boyfriend. Those are all very simple things to say and understand, yet we just don't do it anymore. I think because we no longer live with pain, we don't consider the effect our dishonesty may have on others. I have recently found myself in a situation where I was behaving a certain way based on the information I had about a situation. I have since come to find out that the situation was not how I believed it to be, and so my I now feel that my behavior is inexcusable and completely inappropriate. I fully acknowledge my actions, and if I ever were to be confronted about it, I would have no problem admitting that I did what I did. However, had the other person involved told me the truth, I would not find myself in this place. He did not consider how his dishonesty would make me feel, nor did he think about the consequences of his behavior.
This leads me to the other core value that I believe we have lost. Selflessness. Now I know that most women would disagree with me, but I am talking about society as a whole. We are very selfish. And I think that again comes from being insulated from pain. It hurts to not be selfish. Today, we think we need to do whatever makes us feel good, even when it is not the right decision or the best one for our families. Now here is where I think all of the mom's need to pay attention. There is a difference between self-care and selfishness. If you have been at home all day with your children and you have a pounding headache that hasn't gone away and you just want 30 minutes of quiet time by yourself when your husband (or whatever significant other your have) gets home, that is not selfish. If, however, you deal with your bad day by getting drunk while your children are still awake and then you call them names to ease your frustration and because your inhibitions have been lowered by alcohol, that is selfish. It may feel good at the time, but it is not the right thing to do, and, cumulatively, will cause untold amounts of damage to your children.
We make choices in life, and they are not always good, or right, or right for us, but we need to be responsible for what happens afterwards. Take the case of the husband who is now divorced from his wife. He has just received paperwork to fill out for child support. He believes that he will have to pay for his child's insurance and knows that if that is true he will not be able to afford to continue living the way he has. So he calls his ex-wife and says, if I can't afford to make these payments, you have to cancel our child's insurance. Of course, that really isn't an option. The child does not suffer for the adults choices. The fact that the parents are divorced, in my opinion, means that the child is suffereing enough.
Please don't take that to mean that I think people who are divorced are bad. I am divorced. It happens and it sucks, and a lot of times there just isn't anything you could have done differently to change the situation.
My point, however, is that is a selfish position for that father to have. Or any parent who would say that, not just men. Just as a woman, or any parent, who brings endless people into their child's life to temporarily satisfy a place in themselves is selfish. Children need consistency, and strength from their parents. Parents need to be the example, and believe me, I know how easy it is to rationalize to yourself so that it doesn't seem like your behavior could be harmful to your child.
So what is the solution? Alas, I don't know if there is one. I do know, however, what I think. I think that we need to learn to live with pain. Yes, it hurts, and it's not fun. But suck it up. I don't mean show no emotion, but learn to deal with the emotions. Learn to deal with the hurt and the pain. Learn that some days, all you can do is breathe and get to tomorow.
We need to be honest, not only with each other, but with ourselves. Be honest when you think about your own behavior. Is it really the right thing to do? Are you trying to rationalize your behavior to quiet your conscious? Be honest with your partner. Yes, that makes me upset. Please stay home tonight and spend time with me. (That one is for all you women, and men, who play the cliched game of "I'll tell him/her that he/she can go out, but then I'll be mad at him/her for not reading my mind." Stop it. It's not fair.)
And please, let us teach our children about these things. Teach them to be honest, yet tactful. Teach them to not be selfish. And let the real world teach them about pain, but be there to teach them how to handle it. Be there to love them while they learn.
And please, don't be so selfish that you damage your children. They didn't choose to be born to you, they were given to us as precious gifts to be treasured and taken care of. Don't ruin them just so that you can indulge yourself.
Laura K.
Friday, July 24, 2009
When the going gets tough, the tough get tickled!
As new mom's, I think somewhere in all of our minds, we have this vision of our relationship with our children. Soft light, floaty clothes, big smiles and laughs. We romp and play with our children and hug and snuggle and have kisses and life is perfect. Then, we have days like today, when my son and I seemed destined to get on each others nerves!
We had a visit to Dad's house this week, which went well. My son was gone an extra day, but it seemed to work better, almost, so we'll see how things continue to go. Anyway, we started the morning off on a very bad note. My son broke the Nintendo Wii. I know he didn't do it on purpose, and I should have paid more attention to him when he kept saying, "Mommy, DVD! DVD!" Because he knows how to use the DVD player I just assumed, VERY WRONGLY, that he wanted a movie in. So I said, go ahead and put it in if that's what you want to do. I realized just seconds too late that his "DVD" was actually a Wii game disc, and that there was already one in there. The slight grinding noise that the console made didn't improve matters. So now, when I get around to it, I have $100.00 worth of repair to do. Whoo whoo!
I did my best to just let it go, because he is only 3 and didn't break it with any malicious intent. So I thought a change of venue would be good. Time to go upstairs! Unfortunately, upstairs wasn't much better. "Mommy, juice! Juice, please! Juice me please!" All of it said in this pitiful, whiny voice. Ok, juice, no problem. So I got out the juice we just picked up at the grocery store and asked him to pick. So he did. I poured him his cup of juice, he took one drink, and didn't want it anymore. He wanted the other one. He whined and cried and screamed, and even got one spank for not listening and all to no avail.
It was like this all day! Whatever he got, he wanted to opposite, even if he asked for it in the first place. Some days, mother and child just will not get along. I think I knew that somewhere in the back of my head, but it was never really driven home until today! So what do we do? How, as single parents, do we handle those days when our nerves seem exceptionally shorter than normal? Even recognizing that I was on a very short rope today, I took more time outs for myself that usual, but I just couldn't seem to get my attitude turned around. I have realized though one thing that does work really well for me just about all the time. When the going gets tough, the tough get tickled! I grab my son and hold him in my arms and make funny noises and faces and tickle him. Most of the time, this leaves the two of us so distracted from what was making us grumpy that it just passes right by.
How do you deal with days like these? I would love to hear from you!
Take care,
Laura
We had a visit to Dad's house this week, which went well. My son was gone an extra day, but it seemed to work better, almost, so we'll see how things continue to go. Anyway, we started the morning off on a very bad note. My son broke the Nintendo Wii. I know he didn't do it on purpose, and I should have paid more attention to him when he kept saying, "Mommy, DVD! DVD!" Because he knows how to use the DVD player I just assumed, VERY WRONGLY, that he wanted a movie in. So I said, go ahead and put it in if that's what you want to do. I realized just seconds too late that his "DVD" was actually a Wii game disc, and that there was already one in there. The slight grinding noise that the console made didn't improve matters. So now, when I get around to it, I have $100.00 worth of repair to do. Whoo whoo!
I did my best to just let it go, because he is only 3 and didn't break it with any malicious intent. So I thought a change of venue would be good. Time to go upstairs! Unfortunately, upstairs wasn't much better. "Mommy, juice! Juice, please! Juice me please!" All of it said in this pitiful, whiny voice. Ok, juice, no problem. So I got out the juice we just picked up at the grocery store and asked him to pick. So he did. I poured him his cup of juice, he took one drink, and didn't want it anymore. He wanted the other one. He whined and cried and screamed, and even got one spank for not listening and all to no avail.
It was like this all day! Whatever he got, he wanted to opposite, even if he asked for it in the first place. Some days, mother and child just will not get along. I think I knew that somewhere in the back of my head, but it was never really driven home until today! So what do we do? How, as single parents, do we handle those days when our nerves seem exceptionally shorter than normal? Even recognizing that I was on a very short rope today, I took more time outs for myself that usual, but I just couldn't seem to get my attitude turned around. I have realized though one thing that does work really well for me just about all the time. When the going gets tough, the tough get tickled! I grab my son and hold him in my arms and make funny noises and faces and tickle him. Most of the time, this leaves the two of us so distracted from what was making us grumpy that it just passes right by.
How do you deal with days like these? I would love to hear from you!
Take care,
Laura
Thursday, July 2, 2009
It's Potty Time
Hello all! I have decided to do my first review, and we'll be looking at potty books. We have taken a break from potty training at our house, as my son is very anti potty right now. However, we may be making some progress. I bought some of the cool alert Pull-Ups, hoping they would help my son recognize that he is peeing, because I don't think he knows he is right now. He still could care less about the fact that he's going to the bathroom, but he does want to wear "Mater" and "Queen". He loves the move Cars. I have been telling him that if he wants to wear Mater and Queen, he has to sit on the potty. No luck yet, as he will just tell me "No potty. All done potty." But I think he's getting antsy to wear them.
So, I have three books that I would like to share with you. I think they are all good, and they each have something a little different about them that may work better or differently than then others. The first book is called It's Potty Time from Smart Kids Publishing. They have a separate versions for boys and girls. It also features a button you can push that will play the sound of a potty flushing and a child giggling. It's a board book with very nice child friendly illustrations. I chose this book because one of the pictures shows a little boy standing in front of the toilet with his pants pulled down while he pees. I thought this would be helpful for my son, because he is a very visual learner. This book also focuses on the sensations of being clean and dry, versus dirty and wet in diaper. It has a success chart in the back where you can use a washable or dry erase marker to check off the steps of going potty. Using the potty, flushing the toilet and washing your hands. You can see the book by clicking on the following link.
http://books.barnesandnoble.com/search/results.aspx?WRD=it%27s+potty+time+for+boys+potty+training+made&box=It%27s%20po&pos=0
The second book is Once Upon a Potty by Alona Frankel. This book also comes in separate versions for boys and girls. I chose this book for my son not only because I have heard very good things about it, but again for a visual component. In the boy version, the illustration is anatomically correct and I thought this would help my son connect the idea of going to the bathroom with his penis. I am not a big fan of the words used in this book. The author chose to use "WeeWee" and "PooPoo", and I prefer Pee and Poop. However, in all of the books, it is recommended that you substitute the words you use if you don't like the ones the author is using. The other possible downside to this book is that the potty they use in the illustrations looks more like an old time chamber pot than a typical modern day potty chair. This could potentially be confusing to some children. However, I think it may be a cultural thing, as the author lives in Israel. All in all though it is a very good book. It can also be purchased with an accompanying miniature potty chair and doll, so that you children can teach the doll how to use the potty while reading the book. You can view the book at the following link.
http://books.barnesandnoble.com/search/results.aspx?WRD=once+upon+a+potty&box=once%20upon&pos=2
The last book is called You Can Go to the Potty by William Sears, M.D., Martha Sears, R.N., and Christie Watts Kelly. This book is by far my favorite. The beginning of the book contains Notes for Parents and Caregivers, and covers lots of good information about the potty training process and how your child's development goes along with the process. They even talk about some things that I had never heard of, such as a child being afraid of flushing their pee or poop because they see it as a part of themselves disappearing. Throughout the book there are little sidebars called Answers for the Very Curious that answer various questions about what pee and poop are, where they come from, why boys and girls have different body parts, etc. This book is also very well illustrated. The back of the book contains more references for parents, other books, websites, etc. that may be helpful. The authors of this book are also proponents of Attachment Parenting. I had never heard of this school of parenting before, but I feel that for the most part it makes sense. However, if you don't agree with this style of parenting, this book may not be for you. You can view the book by clicking on the following link.
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/You-Can-Go-to-the-Potty/William-Sears/e/9780316788885/?itm=1
All of these books are great, and I have been reading all of them to my son, when he's in the mood to talk about the potty. I hope that this information can be of some help to those of you trying to navigate this treacherous potty waters.
Lastly, there is another website, sponsored by Pull-Ups, called the Potty Project. They are following 6 families, 3 boys and 3 girls, and their journey through the potty training process. You can see their struggles, successes and techniques at http://www.pull-upspottyproject.com/?WT.mc_id=PUPPG2
I wish all of you potty training moms much luck and success!!
Laura K.
So, I have three books that I would like to share with you. I think they are all good, and they each have something a little different about them that may work better or differently than then others. The first book is called It's Potty Time from Smart Kids Publishing. They have a separate versions for boys and girls. It also features a button you can push that will play the sound of a potty flushing and a child giggling. It's a board book with very nice child friendly illustrations. I chose this book because one of the pictures shows a little boy standing in front of the toilet with his pants pulled down while he pees. I thought this would be helpful for my son, because he is a very visual learner. This book also focuses on the sensations of being clean and dry, versus dirty and wet in diaper. It has a success chart in the back where you can use a washable or dry erase marker to check off the steps of going potty. Using the potty, flushing the toilet and washing your hands. You can see the book by clicking on the following link.
http://books.barnesandnoble.com/search/results.aspx?WRD=it%27s+potty+time+for+boys+potty+training+made&box=It%27s%20po&pos=0
The second book is Once Upon a Potty by Alona Frankel. This book also comes in separate versions for boys and girls. I chose this book for my son not only because I have heard very good things about it, but again for a visual component. In the boy version, the illustration is anatomically correct and I thought this would help my son connect the idea of going to the bathroom with his penis. I am not a big fan of the words used in this book. The author chose to use "WeeWee" and "PooPoo", and I prefer Pee and Poop. However, in all of the books, it is recommended that you substitute the words you use if you don't like the ones the author is using. The other possible downside to this book is that the potty they use in the illustrations looks more like an old time chamber pot than a typical modern day potty chair. This could potentially be confusing to some children. However, I think it may be a cultural thing, as the author lives in Israel. All in all though it is a very good book. It can also be purchased with an accompanying miniature potty chair and doll, so that you children can teach the doll how to use the potty while reading the book. You can view the book at the following link.
http://books.barnesandnoble.com/search/results.aspx?WRD=once+upon+a+potty&box=once%20upon&pos=2
The last book is called You Can Go to the Potty by William Sears, M.D., Martha Sears, R.N., and Christie Watts Kelly. This book is by far my favorite. The beginning of the book contains Notes for Parents and Caregivers, and covers lots of good information about the potty training process and how your child's development goes along with the process. They even talk about some things that I had never heard of, such as a child being afraid of flushing their pee or poop because they see it as a part of themselves disappearing. Throughout the book there are little sidebars called Answers for the Very Curious that answer various questions about what pee and poop are, where they come from, why boys and girls have different body parts, etc. This book is also very well illustrated. The back of the book contains more references for parents, other books, websites, etc. that may be helpful. The authors of this book are also proponents of Attachment Parenting. I had never heard of this school of parenting before, but I feel that for the most part it makes sense. However, if you don't agree with this style of parenting, this book may not be for you. You can view the book by clicking on the following link.
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/You-Can-Go-to-the-Potty/William-Sears/e/9780316788885/?itm=1
All of these books are great, and I have been reading all of them to my son, when he's in the mood to talk about the potty. I hope that this information can be of some help to those of you trying to navigate this treacherous potty waters.
Lastly, there is another website, sponsored by Pull-Ups, called the Potty Project. They are following 6 families, 3 boys and 3 girls, and their journey through the potty training process. You can see their struggles, successes and techniques at http://www.pull-upspottyproject.com/?WT.mc_id=PUPPG2
I wish all of you potty training moms much luck and success!!
Laura K.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Today is a better day than yesterday!
I think we may have had a great day today! Only 3 time-outs all day. Of course, there are several ways in which today was better than yesterday.
1) We got all of the sleep we needed! Including a 3 hour nap.
2) We played outside for close to 2 hours all together. There was a lot less excess energy for him to burn.
3) It wasn't nearly as hot as it has been, or at least, it didn't feel like it.
I think my son is a child who needs structure and routine. I, however am feeling very ill equiped to give it to him. He has had roughly the same schedule since he was about 3 mos old and started sleeping all through the night. We get up around 9am, have breakfast and play. Naptime is at 2pm, or somewhere between 2 and 3 and he will sleep about two to three hours. I don't let him nap any later than 6pm. Then it's up, dinner, bathtime, play and in bed around 10pm. I know that's pretty late for a kid, but it's always worked for us, especially since I worked afternoons and evenings. Before we moved I could put him down for his nap before I left for work and then I would give him his bath and put him to bed when I got home. That doesn't seem like it's going to be working too well for us now. I will be needing to take him to one of his grandparents on my way to work, or possibly daycare right at naptime. I'm not sure how to come up with a routine that I can stick to, so that his life will be better.
The truth is that his routine works really well for me too, being the night owl that I am. Even if I go to bed at 1am, he will still sleep until 9am, which means I still get my 8 hours. And nap time and after bed time are when I get the things done that I need to do. Those times will become even more sacred when I start school in August. I still haven't figured out how single mom's do it, and I'm not even really a single mom with all of the help that I have. I don't think I can even put myself in league with those wonder-women who manage to do everything by themselves. Honestly, I feel right now like I have no hope for getting there.
So, single mom's of this world, how do you do it? How do you take care of your children and yourselves and not loose your minds? Please let me know!
Laura K.
1) We got all of the sleep we needed! Including a 3 hour nap.
2) We played outside for close to 2 hours all together. There was a lot less excess energy for him to burn.
3) It wasn't nearly as hot as it has been, or at least, it didn't feel like it.
I think my son is a child who needs structure and routine. I, however am feeling very ill equiped to give it to him. He has had roughly the same schedule since he was about 3 mos old and started sleeping all through the night. We get up around 9am, have breakfast and play. Naptime is at 2pm, or somewhere between 2 and 3 and he will sleep about two to three hours. I don't let him nap any later than 6pm. Then it's up, dinner, bathtime, play and in bed around 10pm. I know that's pretty late for a kid, but it's always worked for us, especially since I worked afternoons and evenings. Before we moved I could put him down for his nap before I left for work and then I would give him his bath and put him to bed when I got home. That doesn't seem like it's going to be working too well for us now. I will be needing to take him to one of his grandparents on my way to work, or possibly daycare right at naptime. I'm not sure how to come up with a routine that I can stick to, so that his life will be better.
The truth is that his routine works really well for me too, being the night owl that I am. Even if I go to bed at 1am, he will still sleep until 9am, which means I still get my 8 hours. And nap time and after bed time are when I get the things done that I need to do. Those times will become even more sacred when I start school in August. I still haven't figured out how single mom's do it, and I'm not even really a single mom with all of the help that I have. I don't think I can even put myself in league with those wonder-women who manage to do everything by themselves. Honestly, I feel right now like I have no hope for getting there.
So, single mom's of this world, how do you do it? How do you take care of your children and yourselves and not loose your minds? Please let me know!
Laura K.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Entering the "Mine" field
Well, the first visit to Dad's house went well. We all survived intact and I found some things to do to occupy my time without my little one. Unfortunately, none of those things were at all productive! I can see that there is definitely going to be a few days of transition time needed when my son comes back from his dad's house, although I have a feeling that is to be expected with any situation like that, whether he was visiting his father or his grandparents for a few days. What I have also discovered, however, is that my son now knows what "mine" is.
Up until just a few days ago, he has been a rather placid kid. I mean, he has energy coming out of his ears like any other toddler, but he's been pretty low key. Now just this week he has started using the word "mine" all the time. Everything is his and he won't take "No" for an answer. If he asks for something and I tell him "No", he simply asks louder. And louder and louder. I'm not entirely sure what to do about this behavior. Part of me thinks I should ignore it, and eventually he will learn not to do it because it doesn't get a reaction. That just doesn't feel right to me though. If you don't want a behavior to continue, you should nip it in the bud.
So today, we did time out. My son started acting up at dinner, as soon as I sat down at the table. He had been doing just fine, eating and drinking very nicely. Then as soon as I sat down he started hitting the table, throwing his cup, throwing food and being slightly awful. Now, I know that that's supposed to be a good sign, that he's comfortable doing that because he loves and trusts me, but I could live without it. So, I told him that if he didn't stop that behavior he was going to have a time out. And he hit the table again, so I picked him up and brought him to time out. I shut the door to the room part way and set the timer for 3 minutes, one minute for every year he is old. When the timer went off I went in and checked on him and asked him if he was ready to come out. He said "No come out. Sleep." Ok, great. But as I was leaving he began hitting his bed, so I set the timer for another 3 minutes and we did it again. When I checked on him again it was the same thing. "No come out. Sleep." So I left him in his bed for about 10 minutes, until I heard him saying "All done!"
When I went back to get him he asked for a piece of "green gum". Normally gum isn't an issue, but it was dinner time and he had already had several pieces of gum today so I told him no. He asked several more times, getting progressively louder and louder. I told him each time that he could not have green gum right now, keeping my voice calm and quiet. Finally I told him he could not have any green gum and if he yelled again his time out would continue. "GREEN GUUUUUUUM!!!!!" So, I turned around and walked out of the room and again set the timer for 3 minutes.
This did seem to work and green gum wasn't an issue for the rest of the night. Then the "mine"'s started. Everything on the table was "mine". He would take things without asking and run away with them, and when we would try to tell him who it did belong to it was "No mama's. Mine." I swear, I want to pull out my hair. There is no logic for a 3 year old. And the worst part is, you can watch him and know when he's testing you. You can see it on his face, and watch the wheels turn in his head. It is immensely frustrating, because he's 3, and he's learning, and he's doing exactly what all children at his age do, I am just sometimes at a loss as to how I can cope with it.
If anyone has any fabulous ideas about how to deal with the "mine" phase, or this testing phase in general, please let me know!!
I am currently reading a book called "How to make your children mind without losing yours" and I am hoping for a little salvation!
Laura K.
Up until just a few days ago, he has been a rather placid kid. I mean, he has energy coming out of his ears like any other toddler, but he's been pretty low key. Now just this week he has started using the word "mine" all the time. Everything is his and he won't take "No" for an answer. If he asks for something and I tell him "No", he simply asks louder. And louder and louder. I'm not entirely sure what to do about this behavior. Part of me thinks I should ignore it, and eventually he will learn not to do it because it doesn't get a reaction. That just doesn't feel right to me though. If you don't want a behavior to continue, you should nip it in the bud.
So today, we did time out. My son started acting up at dinner, as soon as I sat down at the table. He had been doing just fine, eating and drinking very nicely. Then as soon as I sat down he started hitting the table, throwing his cup, throwing food and being slightly awful. Now, I know that that's supposed to be a good sign, that he's comfortable doing that because he loves and trusts me, but I could live without it. So, I told him that if he didn't stop that behavior he was going to have a time out. And he hit the table again, so I picked him up and brought him to time out. I shut the door to the room part way and set the timer for 3 minutes, one minute for every year he is old. When the timer went off I went in and checked on him and asked him if he was ready to come out. He said "No come out. Sleep." Ok, great. But as I was leaving he began hitting his bed, so I set the timer for another 3 minutes and we did it again. When I checked on him again it was the same thing. "No come out. Sleep." So I left him in his bed for about 10 minutes, until I heard him saying "All done!"
When I went back to get him he asked for a piece of "green gum". Normally gum isn't an issue, but it was dinner time and he had already had several pieces of gum today so I told him no. He asked several more times, getting progressively louder and louder. I told him each time that he could not have green gum right now, keeping my voice calm and quiet. Finally I told him he could not have any green gum and if he yelled again his time out would continue. "GREEN GUUUUUUUM!!!!!" So, I turned around and walked out of the room and again set the timer for 3 minutes.
This did seem to work and green gum wasn't an issue for the rest of the night. Then the "mine"'s started. Everything on the table was "mine". He would take things without asking and run away with them, and when we would try to tell him who it did belong to it was "No mama's. Mine." I swear, I want to pull out my hair. There is no logic for a 3 year old. And the worst part is, you can watch him and know when he's testing you. You can see it on his face, and watch the wheels turn in his head. It is immensely frustrating, because he's 3, and he's learning, and he's doing exactly what all children at his age do, I am just sometimes at a loss as to how I can cope with it.
If anyone has any fabulous ideas about how to deal with the "mine" phase, or this testing phase in general, please let me know!!
I am currently reading a book called "How to make your children mind without losing yours" and I am hoping for a little salvation!
Laura K.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The First Visit
Hello all! It is 12:30am, and I have to be up in 5 hours. Why is it that we always find things to do or can't sleep when we have to be awake early in the morning? For me, my sleeplessness this evening is because my son is going on his first overnight visit with his father since we split up. I am a nervous wreck!!
I probably shouldn't be, as he stayed at home with his dad every day I went to work for the first 2 1/2 years of his life, and he's fine, but I'm scared to death! It's probably just a mom thing. I've gone over everything he could possibly need and have it all stuffed in a duffel bag. I've got a whole bunch of other stuff to go with us in the morning, plus I know when I'm halfway home after dropping him off I'll think of something else.
During our separation, and now being (almost) divorced (another 2 weeks), I've have tried very hard to keep my feelings about my ex just about he and me, and not about our son. I don't think I have done a very good job sometimes, but I have tried. I have a friend who has said that she thinks sometimes men use our children against us, and I can see that. I think we can use our children against our ex's too. What frustrates me the most is that, as far as I can see, our son is only important to his father when he remembers, or is mad at me. Obviously, I'm not in his head or his heart and I can't say that with 100% certainty, but I feel that it is relatively accurate. But the struggle remains, how do I deal with my feelings of hurt, anger, abandonment, unimportance, etc. that pertain to the ex and not have them include our son too. I think the problem comes because I am feeling things FOR my son, when I have no idea if he feels that way at all, or if he will ever feel that way.
For example, I feel as though my ex husband has decided to leave his family, and try to be 18 again, without any more responsibility than absolutely necessary. I feel abandoned, and I feel abandoned for my son. I don't know if that is how he feels, or if that is how he will feel in the future. If he doesn't feel that way, I certainly don't want him to think he should. I am processing everything through my own filters, and by doing so, I may be preventing him from making up his own mind. This is another time when I am so thankful that my son is only 3 and I have a little bit of time to deal with my own issues before he starts asking questions about what happened.
How do we separate our feelings about our ex's, or even our partners/spouses from our children? When we have an experience, like divorce, how do we not overemphasize the lessons that we learned to our children? How do we give them a well rounded idea of the important things to look for in a relationship?
I think the best thing I can do for now is to let him know that the way we are living now is normal. His normal. He lives with his mom, and sees his dad________. As soon as I know for sure I'll tell him. He is such a wonderful little boy, and I'm sure he will be fine. I, just like every other mother, want what's best for him. I want him to know always that he is loved, and special and wonderful just the way he is.
I would love to hear how you deal with issues like this. Divorce, separation, visitation, etc. I look forward to your comments.
Laura K.
I probably shouldn't be, as he stayed at home with his dad every day I went to work for the first 2 1/2 years of his life, and he's fine, but I'm scared to death! It's probably just a mom thing. I've gone over everything he could possibly need and have it all stuffed in a duffel bag. I've got a whole bunch of other stuff to go with us in the morning, plus I know when I'm halfway home after dropping him off I'll think of something else.
During our separation, and now being (almost) divorced (another 2 weeks), I've have tried very hard to keep my feelings about my ex just about he and me, and not about our son. I don't think I have done a very good job sometimes, but I have tried. I have a friend who has said that she thinks sometimes men use our children against us, and I can see that. I think we can use our children against our ex's too. What frustrates me the most is that, as far as I can see, our son is only important to his father when he remembers, or is mad at me. Obviously, I'm not in his head or his heart and I can't say that with 100% certainty, but I feel that it is relatively accurate. But the struggle remains, how do I deal with my feelings of hurt, anger, abandonment, unimportance, etc. that pertain to the ex and not have them include our son too. I think the problem comes because I am feeling things FOR my son, when I have no idea if he feels that way at all, or if he will ever feel that way.
For example, I feel as though my ex husband has decided to leave his family, and try to be 18 again, without any more responsibility than absolutely necessary. I feel abandoned, and I feel abandoned for my son. I don't know if that is how he feels, or if that is how he will feel in the future. If he doesn't feel that way, I certainly don't want him to think he should. I am processing everything through my own filters, and by doing so, I may be preventing him from making up his own mind. This is another time when I am so thankful that my son is only 3 and I have a little bit of time to deal with my own issues before he starts asking questions about what happened.
How do we separate our feelings about our ex's, or even our partners/spouses from our children? When we have an experience, like divorce, how do we not overemphasize the lessons that we learned to our children? How do we give them a well rounded idea of the important things to look for in a relationship?
I think the best thing I can do for now is to let him know that the way we are living now is normal. His normal. He lives with his mom, and sees his dad________. As soon as I know for sure I'll tell him. He is such a wonderful little boy, and I'm sure he will be fine. I, just like every other mother, want what's best for him. I want him to know always that he is loved, and special and wonderful just the way he is.
I would love to hear how you deal with issues like this. Divorce, separation, visitation, etc. I look forward to your comments.
Laura K.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
